Holidays, travel and big events

In brief

• What this helps with. Planning events and travel with her so all the responsibilities do not fall on her
• One thing to do. Agree seats, exits and rest days or times.
• One thing to ask. "What do you want me to tell the family?"

The wedding is in July, in a tent, with a free bar, a band until midnight and her mother-in-law at the next table. Every one of those is a problem for a woman with hot flashes and broken sleep, and every one can be made easier by planning ahead with her.

Why events are hard

At home she manages her symptoms quietly, with the thermostat, water nearby, an early night and a step outside when a flash arrives. Big occasions take all of that away at once.

Heat is the first problem. Crowded rooms, summer tents and dance floors run hot, and a warm room is one of the triggers women report most often. Alcohol flows. Meals are large and late. The dress code is a jacket she cannot take off. The schedule runs past midnight, and she is expected to be bright for brunch. Travel adds a strange bed and a time zone.

Then there is the unpredictability. Periods in perimenopause can arrive without warning and be far heavier than they used to be, which turns a long ceremony or a six-hour drive into a logistics problem. And in most of these settings there is no easy exit. A flash at her own kitchen table is a nuisance. A flash in the middle of a wedding speech, in a room with one door, in something she cannot loosen, is misery.

Hot flashes last a median of more than seven years, so for many women this is not one bad summer but a run of occasions over several years, and a reason to get good at them together.

Planning together, as choices she makes

Start with one question, asked early and without an agenda. "What would make this easier?" She may have a list ready, or she may not have let herself think about it. Offer the options below as choices, agree the ones she wants, and drop the rest.

• Seats and exits. A seat near the door or on the aisle, away from the kitchen and the dance floor. At a ceremony, the end of a row.
• Layers. A jacket or wrap she can shed, a dress in a fabric that breathes, a spare top in the bag. Formal is not the same as sealed in.
• The room. Before you book, check that the room has air conditioning she can control or a window that opens. If the budget does not stretch to that, a window and a fan you bring do most of the job.
• The bag. Spare clothes, spare sheets if you are staying with family, period supplies whether or not she expects to need them, cold water and a portable fan. Pack it without being asked.
• Sleep. The earlier flight rather than the overnight one. A night before the event, not a dash from the airport to the venue.
• Leaving together. Agree in advance that when she is ready to go, you both go, and settle who says the goodbyes.
• Recovery time. Ask how much of the next day she wants clear, and clear that much.

At the event

Know where the exits are, and the cool spots, and the bathrooms. Keep water within her reach, refilled by you, without ceremony. When a flash arrives, do nothing visible. No fanning, no "are you alright" three times, no announcing to the table that she is having a moment. Push the water across, and if she stands up, stand up too and walk out with her as if you both wanted air.

If she is drinking less because alcohol sets her off, order the alcohol-free option first so she is not the one explaining. If a mood shift arrives at the wrong moment, do not manage her in public. Get her somewhere quieter if she wants it, and talk later.

Family gatherings

Relatives are their own category, because they comment. On her weight, her flushed face, the fan in her hand, the early night. What they are told is her decision, not yours. Agree what, if anything, she wants you to say to relatives, and say exactly that and no more. She may want nothing said at all, and leaving early does not require explaining her symptoms. "We're heading off" is a complete sentence.

What she has shared with you, through the app or across the kitchen table, is not dinner conversation. Her MenoScore, her symptoms and whether she is seeing someone about it stay with you unless she has said otherwise. The article on respecting what she chooses to share in this library covers how to agree that.

Travel

Long flights and time zones break sleep for everyone, and hers is the most fragile thing she has at this stage, so a rough first night is likely. Some women find flashes worse on the plane, where the cabin is warm and there is nowhere to go, and some notice no difference. Book the aisle if she wants it, and keep water and a spare top in the bag under the seat.

Period supplies travel with you even if she is months past her last period, because perimenopause does not keep a calendar. Bleeding that is very heavy, or heavier and more frequent than it used to be, is a reason for her to see a clinician rather than push through the holiday. Soaking through a pad or tampon every hour for more than two hours, or heavy bleeding with dizziness, fainting, a racing heart or breathlessness, needs emergency care now. The article in this library titled "When symptoms need help now" has the full list.

If she wants it, plan the first day at the far end as a nothing day.

The day after

A big event may cost her a day afterwards, and sometimes it costs nothing at all. Ask which it is rather than assuming. If she wants the day, take it. Let her sleep until she wakes, keep the noise down, handle the unpacking and ask nothing of her until the evening. If you do not live with her, the equivalent is not calling that day, or dropping off dinner and leaving. Do not review the event. If she wants to talk about it, she will.

Where to start this week

• Ask "what would make this easier?" about the next date on the calendar.
• Agree the seat, the exit and the room with her, then book them.
• Pack the bag, including period supplies, a spare top and a small fan, without being asked.
• Ask what, if anything, she wants said to relatives, and say only that.
• Say nothing at the table, and walk out with her if she stands up.

Related reading

• Hot flashes and night sweats, from the outside
• Periods gone rogue
• Respecting what she chooses to share
• When symptoms need help now

Sources

• Avis NE, Crawford SL, Greendale G, et al. Duration of menopausal vasomotor symptoms over the menopause transition. JAMA Internal Medicine. 2015;175(4):531-539. SWAN, n=1,449; median total duration 7.4 years.
• The Menopause Society. The 2023 Nonhormone Therapy Position Statement of The North American Menopause Society. Menopause. 2023;30(6):573-590. Reviews the evidence for trigger avoidance and cooling techniques for vasomotor symptoms.
• Baker FC, Lampio L, Saaresranta T, Polo-Kantola P. Sleep and sleep disorders in the menopausal transition. Sleep Medicine Clinics. 2018;13(3):443-456.
• American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Perimenopausal bleeding and bleeding after menopause. Patient FAQ.
• American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Heavy Menstrual Bleeding. Patient FAQ.

Disclaimer

This article is for education and support. It is not medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a qualified healthcare provider. Decisions about symptoms and treatment belong to the person experiencing menopause and her clinician. If someone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.